How Shame Affects Relationships
And how a somatic couples therapist can help.
3 min read
Many of us have had the experience of struggling with shame, or with feeling unworthy or flawed. Often these feelings are connected to an intense fear of being exposed, rejected, or judged. “When working with couples, I find that the feeling of shame can play a significant role in their conflicts,” says Tina Tacorian, one of the psychotherapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy. “When we feel shame we may withdraw from others, avoid intimacy, or become defensive or angry,” adds Tina. “These self-protective responses to shame can be a source of misunderstanding and frustration and lead to ruptures in relationships.”
One way in which shame can damage relationships is when an individual isolates themselves and withdraws from their partner. In these cases, the person isolating often feels that they can not deal with the real or perceived feeling that their partner does not approve of something about them. Some may even feel like they are deficient at the core and are unworthy of their partner’s love.
According to New York City couples therapist, Tina Tacorian, “To escape the feeling of being judged or letting their partner down, the person may try to distance themselves emotionally or physically. To the other partner, this isolation can feel intentionally harmful and uncaring. As a result, both partners often end up feeling lonely and alienated.”
Another way one may deal with shame is by redirecting it or “lashing out” by blaming or criticizing their partner. If only their partner had certain traits or done things differently, the current issue would never have arisen! For example, after making some pointed and hurtful remarks during an argument, one who struggles with shame might accuse their upset partner of being too sensitive, needy, and critical, rather than trying to repair what they said when they were angry.
In contrast, one might attack themselves as a way of protecting themselves from feeling shame. “When you beat yourself up, you hurt yourself before the other person has a chance to say what they feel, and in a way, you soften the impact, “ explains Tina. “Self-attack can unconsciously act as a shield and an unwitting strategy to avoid the true issue.”
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be cared for when you’re in such a vulnerable state, if you can’t move past the self-attack, the underlying problem never actually gets resolved. Tina adds, “The inability to openly address issues that affect the relationship will over time erode trust. Your partner will feel like they just can’t reach you and they themselves will feel frustrated, isolated, and alone.”
“To escape the feeling of being judged or letting their partner down, the person may try to distance themselves emotionally or physically. As a result, both partners often end up feeling lonely and alienated.”
In couples therapy, the therapist will help the couple address the true sensitivity behind the shame, which can be a revelatory and deeply healing experience. Of course it is a lack of trust that is frequently at the heart of feeling shame in the first place. Somewhere along the way, the person falsely learned that they are at the core weak, defective, or unloveable and that they will be dismissed, humiliated, or rejected by those closest to them. False beliefs about the self are internalized in invalidating, neglectful, and abusive environments. The partner who feels ashamed does not trust that their partner will be able to accept them once they are truly seen. In other words, a person who constantly feels shame is uncomfortable with vulnerability.
Tina Tacorian, LMSW says, “When we are okay with being vulnerable, we can open up to our partner about our fears, insecurities, and weaknesses with the understanding that our partner will both support and work with us around these issues,” However, when we feel shame, we often hide these vulnerable parts out of fear or being rejected or judged.
“The inability to openly address issues that affect the relationship will over time erode trust. Your partner will feel like they just can’t reach you and they themselves will feel frustrated, isolated, and alone.”
While the person who feels shame may temporarily find methods to save themselves from those experiences, these same strategies will often create a barrier between partners in the long-term, preventing them from deepening their emotional connection, communication, and understanding each other’s perspectives. Furthermore, someone who has felt a sense of shame may become focused on protecting themselves from the feeling returning. They may become avoidant in many ways out of fear their flaws will become exposed again. They may also engage in problematic behaviors such as substance abuse to cope with their emotions. These behaviors can of course lead to further tension and conflict in the relationship.
“When we are okay with being vulnerable, we can open up about our fears, insecurities, and weaknesses with the understanding that our partner will both support and work with us around these issues.”
Through somatic couples therapy, a therapist can help gently address these issues. They might start by focusing on the manifestation of shame in the body, which is often felt as a sense of contraction, tightness, or even falling. For example, a partner who feels inadequate in some way may overcompensate in another, holding themselves in a way that seems to hide their perceived flaws. Somatic therapy can help this partner become aware of their physical sensations and learn to relax their body, allowing them to be more present and authentic.
Somatic therapy can also help both partners in a relationship to foster empathy and compassion for themselves and the other person. By tuning into their own bodily sensations and emotions, both individuals can develop a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for their own struggles and those of their partner.
Recognizing and addressing shame in relationships is essential to fostering healthy connections with our loved ones. Through open communication, empathy, and compassion built with the guidance of a somatic therapist, both partners can embrace vulnerability and build stronger bonds with each other. You can reach out to one of the therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy to see how they can help.