How Can Somatic Therapy Help Your Relationship?
Three ways tuning into your body can help you get unstuck in your relationship.
5 min read
Do you feel stuck or hopeless in your relationship - fearful that things will never change? Many couples come to therapy feeling this way with the hope that a third party will help them make sense of the disconnection and damage in the relationship. What most couples come to find out in therapy, is that they are relating to one another in a subconscious habitual way that keeps them feeling stuck. Somatic therapy can offer strategies to help couples become unstuck and reconnect with each other.
How do couples tune into their bodies and become unstuck? At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we favor a holistic approach that integrates the mind-body connection. There are many ways that somatic therapy can be integrated in couples therapy. One such approach, Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT,) is an evidence-based therapeutic model that uses somatic therapy to help couples make sense of their negative cycle by tuning into their bodies.
People in relationships tell a story with their bodies. Katy Haney, a couples therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples notes in her work with couples, “I am always curious about the body language shared between couples- how physically close do partners sit while they talk? If one partner is crying, does the other partner physically make contact? If one partner is sharing, does the other partner cross their arms and huff, or take a deep sigh and stare off into the distance with slumped shoulders?”
In addition Katy reports that somatic therapy is grounded in the belief that our bodies carry the imprints of our life experiences; it recognizes that past traumas, emotional wounds, and stressors can manifest physically, which has a direct impact on our relationships.
“Somatic therapy is grounded in the belief that our bodies carry the imprint of our life experiences; it recognizes that past traumas, emotional wounds, and stressors can manifest physically, which has a direct impact on our relationships.”
Here are several ways somatic therapy can help deepen your understanding of yourself, your partner, and reduce negative cycles of disconnection in your relationship.
Enhanced communication
Often, unspoken emotions and tensions create barriers in relationships that keep couples stuck in a negative cycle. Somatic therapy helps couples become more attuned to their bodies and the subtle cues they send and receive.
For example, when couples are in a negative cycle of arguing and disconnection, they can get stuck emotionally which looks like shutting down, withdrawing, becoming critical, or controlling. Each of these states has somatic markers that send cues to your partner telling them you are open and safe, or closed off and defensive.
In a state of being defensive or critical, our sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, leading to the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This can result in increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, or muscle tension. When our bodies go through heightened physiological changes, we are less able to be open, safe, and communicate effectively with our partner.
“When our bodies go through heightened physiological changes, we are less able to be open, safe, and communicate effectively with our partners.”
Healing trauma and resolving conflict
Many individuals carry unresolved wounds that are reactivated in relationship with others. In states of tension and hyperarousal, this reactivation is a regression to an earlier age when emotional patterns were learned in response to your needs not being met.
According to Antonio Damasio, a neurologist and neuroscientist trained in understanding the processes of our mind, emotions, and consciousness, “Somatic markers are our internal GPS, helping us navigate the complex terrain of decision-making by signaling emotional states linked to past experiences.” These emotional states can look like getting angry or dissociating when we are triggered by our partner not meeting our needs.
“Somatic markers are our internal GPS, helping us navigate the complex terrain of decision-making by signaling emotional states linked to past experiences.”
However, Katy highlights that these emotional states and the stories they tell are crucial information for the couple, “the angry response to your partner might be linked to an experience when you had to protest to get your needs met as a child. Or, perhaps, the dissociative response is a regression to an emotional pattern you learned as a child that is characterized by distracting and ignoring emotions by keeping them internal.”
Practicing mindfulness and developing emotional regulation skills
Somatic therapy emphasizes mindfulness and being present in the moment. Mindful awareness of bodily sensations and emotions enables couples to stay attuned to themselves and one another which reduces misunderstandings. Mindful awareness is particularly beneficial in relationships where emotional reactivity can lead to conflict.
Many couples try to engage in resolving conflict when their bodies are in a state of hyperarousal. When couples are in this state, they cannot communicate as effectively. Individuals must manage their bodily responses and emotions through self-regulation or co-regulation before conflict can be resolved in a safe and effective way.
Touch in a relationship is a powerful signal that you are not alone. When couples are in a negative cycle withdrawing or becoming critical, they are believing a subconscious message that they are alone while their bodies are in a state of hyperarousal and defense.
In Katy’s work with couples, she reports that “a way to break this somatic disconnect and co-regulate, is by holding hands, hugging, or engaging in any kind of physical contact with your partner. This signals to the parasympathetic nervous system that you are safe and not in danger. The body will stop releasing stress hormones and you will begin to feel more ease and openness to your partner.”
“Touch in a relationship is a powerful signal that you are not alone.”
Many couples in NYC feel that their relationship is beyond repair. However, incorporating the wisdom of the body into couples therapy offers new avenues for connection, communication, and healing. If you are looking for a couples therapist that integrates somatic therapy, reach out to one of our couples therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy.