Why Getting in Touch With Anger Is So Important for Women?
You may not realize it, but anger can be a catalyst for positive change.
3 min read | Illustration by Mayara Lista
Women are socialized to stifle and suppress their anger, which is why connecting with it and giving it a voice can be such an empowering experience. As women, we have been taught to hide our anger, question its legitimacy, and act submissively in order to please and placate others. This might stem from cultural conditioning or what we’ve learned at home.
Melanie Berkowitz is a therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy who specializes in working with the body. She shares that "so many women are brought up hearing messages that they're 'too much' or 'attention-seeking' if they express anger as little girls. So, many women end up turning their anger inwards and blaming themselves for other peoples’ behaviors."
It’s important to know that your anger is valid and makes sense despite feelings of guilt, shame, or defectiveness. While men are seen as assertive leaders when they express their anger, they have been socialized to feel shame when they feel sad or vulnerable. As women, we are taught to embrace our vulnerability but fear our anger and as a result, we diminish our personal power in order to please others.
According to Melanie, "My goal is to let my client know her anger is welcome in our sessions—even if that anger is directed toward me. That her anger is not 'too much' or 'attention-seeking' but rather valid and healthy."
It’s important to know that your anger is valid and makes sense despite feelings of guilt, shame, or defectiveness
Some women don’t know whether or not they’re angry because they’ve blocked these feelings off. Feeling disassociated, disconnected, or numb is one sign that you might be angry. Additionally, underneath that anger, there might be pain that you don’t feel because you’ve had to separate from it emotionally in order to just get by. The pain might come from not feeling seen or understood in a time of heightened need, or the pain of feeling powerless in the face of personal or social injustice.
When we allow ourselves to feel what’s underneath our anger, we learn to nurture those unmet needs. Anger lets us know that we want to feel loved, connected, and understood. Our anger can be thought of as a reaction to not getting what we know we deserve. When we learn to listen to rather than suppress our anger, we can guide it to take constructive action from a place of empowerment. This is how we transform our anger into an act of self-love and use it to reconnect to our authentic human emotions.
When women learn what their anger is about, they’re able to use it constructively, feel their power, and use it for good. Tina Tacorian, a licensed therapist at Downtown Somatic Psychotherapy says, “Anger is a powerful tool. When it’s guided and used mindfully, it can be a catalyst for positive change.”
Anger lets us know that we want to feel loved, connected, and understood.
Group therapy is another safe way to get in touch with your anger. The group setting can help normalize those feelings of hurt and injustice and motivate you to do something about it. “We start to change things as we take small risks together. These small risks lead to new physical and emotional experiences that begin to build and create lasting change,” shares Tina.
When we allow ourselves to really experience our anger, we start to feel the sadness, fear, and even joy that has been held in our bodies for so long. We may have numbed ourselves to these feelings because they felt too overwhelming to experience on our own. When we feel safe enough to unblock these embodied emotions, we have a distinct physical experience that feels new - like a release or like a weight has been lifted. This is a natural part of the healing process that gives us access to our bodies’ natural wisdom and sets us on a transformative path to change.
If you suspect you’ve been holding on to anger and want to develop a new relationship with your feelings, consider reaching out to a therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy today.