What Is Attachment Theory and How Does It Affect Who We Date?
What is Attachment Theory?
3 min read | Illustration by Marcelo Clapp
This past year has provided a unique set of stresses on couples. The pandemic has led to major lifestyle changes that have put a magnifying glass on negative relationship dynamics. What might have been a small problem before has ballooned under the stress of quarantine, isolation, and childcare needs. Many couples have found themselves in vicious and unconscious feedback loops--or “cycles”--reacting to surface-level feelings that often conceal deeper emotional needs. But, if you step back and learn about attachment theory - the science of connection - you can make immediate changes to your problematic relationships.
How attachment strategies impact romantic relationships
Throughout our lives, humans are wired to form close, connected relationships with significant others. Paradoxically, the more securely connected we feel to those closest to us, the more this enables us to discover a positive sense of self that fosters feelings of independence and confidence in the world around us. Our attachment figures--whether caregivers or romantic partners--can provide a sense of safety. But when things don’t feel secure with our partners, we naturally feel great amounts of distress.
As small children, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. When a child perceives that their bond with a caregiver is no longer secure, they usually respond with one of two strategies: 1) hyperactivation and anxious pursuit to try and salvage the connection; or 2) detachment or withdrawal to suppress any feelings of attachment-related anxieties. An ‘anxiously-attached’ child might cry and refuse to let go of a caregiver in protest to a perceived rupture in connection, while a more ‘avoidant-attached’ child may shut down completely and avoid seeking out their caregiver at all .
Often unbeknownst to us, we bring this childhood wounding into our romantic relationships as adults. These intimate relationships often mimic attachment-based strategies from childhood, especially when a romantic bond feels on shaky ground. According to the lens of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), developed by therapist Sue Johnson, a romantic partner may find themselves in one of two camps in a relationship: the “pursuer” or the “withdrawer”. The pursuer will often blame, criticize or get angry with their partner in an attempt to persuade their partner to pay more attention to them. The withdrawer, on the other hand, will try to avoid any attachment-related emotional distress, often through ignoring, or overworking, or even infidelity. As Johnson sees it, pursuers actively protest their loneliness, while withdrawers try to bury it.
Those who identify as withdrawers are often seen as cold, aloof or indifferent, but, in fact, they are often actually deeply scared or embarrassed to open up to their partners for fear of being rejected. They fear that they may rock the boat or be rejected if they reveal underlying feelings of vulnerability or other authentic emotions.
Attachment theory in couples’ therapy
An EFT therapist will often encourage a couple to identify their cycle or ‘dance.’ Does one partner pursue and the other withdraw? Does that withdrawal lead to more aggressive criticism between both partners? Or do both partners withdraw even further?
Core attachment needs that lurk below a couple’s negative cycle often reveal themselves in the moment-to-moment interplay of partner interactions. For example, Downtown Somatic Therapist [Melanie] shared about a time when a couple she worked with were deep in the throes of a pursuer-withdrawer ping pong match. The pursuing partner “P” often complained about the other’s emotional inaccessibility and workaholism; in response, the withdrawer “W” detached herself even further from conversation, which caused the pursuer to get even more enraged.
Melanie noticed that withdrawing W often rolled her eyes in response to P getting angry with her: “In a couples sessions, I really tried to slow down these embodied interpersonal movements. I’d ask W to stay with what happens right before she rolls her eyes.” In slowing this process down, W noticed that her eye rolling was a way to push away painful feelings of unworthiness that emerged underneath the surface; her partner’s anger made her feel she was helpless and defective.
Both partners desperately wanted to connect but both were stranded on different islands of loneliness struggling to find a bridge. By slowing down the couple’s ‘dance,’ couples can start to identify underlying emotions and take ownership of their core attachment needs. In doing so, they’ll begin to take more risks to directly ask their partner for support and healthy connection.