What to do with an anxious attachment style
3 tips to improve your dating life
5 min read | Illustration by Marcelo Clapp
Dating with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style can be tricky, to say the least. You might be super sensitive to any possible slights or signs of disinterest, find yourself obsessing over the person not long after having met, or repeatedly dating a similar personality type that doesn’t sustainably meet your emotional needs. You might be so focused on gaining their approval, you forget to check in with whether you even like them. All of these can create conflict in relationships by leaving a person feeling like their needs aren’t being met. Needless to say, those of us with anxious attachment style need to take extra care to watch out for ways we may be self-sabotaging our romantic relationships.
Unsure about whether you have an anxious attachment style? In basic terms, having an anxious attachment style simply means that you are more likely to feel anxious and insecure in romantic relationships in a way that makes you seek more validation, affirmation, proximity, etc. We all need those things in a relationship, but, this level of reassurance isn’t often available early on in dating. This can make dating very anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable for the anxiously attached. It may even dissuade some from dating altogether, believing it to be intolerable.
If one of your personal goals is to enter a healthy relationship, and you want to get a handle on your anxiety triggered by anxious attachment, here are three tips for dating with greater confidence and ease:
“If you’re not paying attention to how you feel about the person across from you, you lose track of what’s healthy for you in a romantic partnership, which could end up in you chasing a person who ultimately is not right for you.”
Ask yourself: Do you even like them? This isn’t meant to be an evaluation of how well they align with your checklist. This is about tuning into your own experience. Anxiously attached individuals tend to focus on the person whom they are interested in, often abandoning any attention to their own internal emotional experience.
The problem with that is if you’re not paying attention to how you feel about the person across from you, you completely lose track of what’s uniquely right and healthy for you in a romantic partnership, which could end up in you chasing a person who ultimately is not right for you (raise your hand if this is a “been there, done that” for you).
This can happen because our brain confuses being triggered or anxious with having an actually meaningful emotional connection with the person. It’s really important for those with anxious attachment style to distinguish between anxiety and true emotional connection, as a triggered attachment system can mislead one to pursue an unhealthy relationship.
And, while this is perhaps more pertinent when seeking out a serious relationship, it’s just as applicable to more casual relationships / hookups — in short, you want it to feel good for you.
“It can be surprisingly refreshing to remember that he is a person with his own stressors and emotional burdens, and his response lag or even disinterest in pursuing something with you might not be personal or specifically about you at all.”
Think of other possibilities. This is essential for the anxiously attached among us. Because anxiously attached folks are quick to associate their needs not being met with abandonment, they can often spin out into panic at small provocations. When a date doesn't immediately text you back, or takes a day or two to do so, you may find yourself with many anxious thoughts. You might worry that they’re losing interest, speculate that they’re dating someone else, etc.
Instead of torturing yourself with different scenarios, try to entertain what some other realistic possibilities might be. This is called mentalizing, and it can be a helpful way to bring your rational brain online. For example, could they be busy with work? generally not a prompt texter? feeling anxious themselves?
Caveat: this isn’t to dismiss your feelings of disappointment or frustration, which are important to notice; it’s just to help you get out of the victim mindset.
Alessandra Mikic, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist who specializes in working with young women, weighs in: “When we’re feeling anxious, we get up into our head and thoughts, and in a way we’ve left reality and aren’t thinking quite as rationally. That’s when I see clients ‘spinning out’, obsessing, ruminating, torturing themselves by stalking a guy or his ex on social media. At that moment, it can be surprisingly refreshing to remember that he is a person with his own stressors and emotional burdens, and his response lag or even disinterest in pursuing something with you might not be personal or specifically about you at all.”
“Once you’ve accepted that you’re feeling or thinking a certain way, offer yourself compassion — because dating is hard!”
Practice radical acceptance + self-compassion. Feeling down, anxious, having obsessive thoughts, or all of the above? Accept it.
We don’t choose our feelings, and, until we’ve done some deeper work (typically in therapy), we generally don’t consciously choose our harmful thoughts. Once you’ve accepted that you’re feeling or thinking a certain way, offer yourself compassion — because dating is hard!
There are 3 steps to practicing self-compassion: 1) recognize that you’re hurting, whether it’s a mental ache or a somatic symptom, 2) remember that everyone has felt this way at some point, whether that’s intense anxiety, questions about your worthiness or any other kind of suffering — pain is a universal human experience, 3) extend yourself the kind and loving compassion that you would offer to someone you deeply care about.
Examples of this third step (which could be internal self-talk, written in a journal, and/or said out loud) are statements like: “Wow, this is really hard.” “Man, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.” “It’s really painful, and we can slow down.” “It’s going to be okay.”
“People often think they’re stuck with a lifetime of anxiety and insecurity, but that’s just not true. If feeling secure in romance is something you want, that is absolutely well within reach.”
Overcoming anxious attachment to step forward with your most authentically confident self has a lot to do with soothing existing anxiety and not amplifying it. Focusing on your internal somatic experience, bringing your rational brain online, and practicing self-compassion are all ways to do that effectively.
Is it possible to finally be free of insecure attachment altogether? Alessandra offers a resounding yes: “Achieving what’s called ‘earned secure attachment’ is totally possible and the goal I work towards with many of my clients. People often think they’re stuck with a lifetime of anxiety and insecurity, but that’s just not true. If feeling secure in romance is something you want, that is absolutely well within reach.”
Of course, one of the best ways to address a negative relationship pattern or chronic relationship issues with anxious attachment is by working with a skilled therapist. If that’s of interest to you, all of Downtown Somatic Therapy’s staff therapists are trained in attachment theory and can help facilitate transformation in your relationships.