Understanding Anger
Demystifying an emotion that is often misunderstood.
3 min read
For many people, anger is confusing. On the one hand, we are told that we should not be afraid to feel anger and, on the other, that being angry is harmful. Society also sends different messages about anger to men and women. What is acceptable for men may not be viewed as acceptable for women. So, what is the role of anger in an emotionally healthy person and how can somatic therapy help someone develop a positive relationship with anger?
At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we believe that developing the capacity to feel core emotions is a critical component of emotional well-being. And anger is a core emotion, along with joy, sadness, excitement, fear and disgust. These core emotions, ones that all human beings share, provide important information as we relate to the world around us.
So, what does anger communicate? It may be a signal that you are not getting something that you deserve. Or it may be telling you that something is not just or fair and that it’s critical to take a stand. Anger communicates to us that we need to self-advocate or that a boundary needs to be set.
For many people, identifying and feeling core emotions is difficult, and this can be particularly true for anger. Many of us disavowed one or more of our core emotions as children in an effort to connect with a parent. As a species, we are wired to connect with our primary caregiver as a matter of survival and we learn very early what emotions are and are not acceptable. We learn to adapt and this is critically important in our early years. What was needed in childhood, though, can lead us to altering our thoughts and behaviors as adults in ways that are harmful or at a minimum keep us from experiencing life to its fullest.
“What was needed in childhood, though, can lead us to altering our thoughts and behaviors as adults in ways that are harmful or at a minimum keep us from experiencing life to its fullest.”
Anne Heller, a psychotherapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy, says that she sees people distance from anger in many different ways. For some people, anger is covered with tears or is blocked by a feeling of numbness or disassociation. The inability to feel that anger and the complex feelings associated with it can lead to depression and a range of physical symptoms including headaches, body aches, and stomach issues. For many, not feeling anger can mean people-pleasing and ignoring one’s own needs. And for some, anger is subsumed by anxiety. It simply doesn’t feel safe to feel and the body reacts with a range of anxiety symptoms.
And, paradoxically, while people who lash out or yell are often described as angry, they actually may not be able to tolerate anger in their bodies. Rather than feeling the emotion, they discharge it as a way to manage the anxiety that the anger causes.
So, how are these different relationships with anger handled in therapy? At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we work with clients to regulate any accompanied anxiety and then support them as they learn to feel anger in the body.
“And paradoxically, while people who lash out or yell are often described as angry, they actually may not be able to tolerate anger in their bodies.”
When anger is truly felt in the body and has not been felt in the past, it can be a cathartic experience. It can be moving and empowering to learn what your body knows. For this to happen, though, there has to be a feeling of emotional safety for the client so that they can feel free to explore all of the underlying emotions, including those that may not have felt safe to explore in the past. Emotional safety is different for every person and the therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy are expert in working with you to find out what that feels like for you.
Sometimes, if the client is ready, accessing core emotions can lead to early childhood memories. For clients who are interested in doing this type of deep work, processing old emotions can be profound and very freeing. As clients recognize buried emotions, including anger, and are able to see their full humanity, this can shift how they see themselves and how they relate to others.
Therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy regularly see clients finding a range of positive outcomes in their lives as they learn to access their anger. Clients are better able to advocate for themselves and set appropriate boundaries. They learn to be in control of how they respond to the anger they feel. They stand up for themselves. And they are gentler with those around them.
If you want to change your relationship to anger, gain a deeper connection with your emotions, or improve your relationships, consider reaching out to Downtown Somatic Therapy to find a therapist who can help you access your feelings in a safe and healthy way.