How can I heal from complex trauma?
Somatic therapy can unlock new pathways to heal from experiences in your early childhood.
3 min read
Have you ever pondered why you tend to prioritize others' needs over your own, especially in your close relationships? Having a difficult time expressing yourself and retaining your own sense of self when in a relationship? Always feel like you’re bad or never good enough? The answer might lie in the kinds of dynamics you experienced when you were very little.
Your development as a human starts well before you can articulate your feelings and your thoughts in words. Pre-verbal trauma and neglect can leave lasting imprints on the ways that our brains wire themselves based on experiences, and these imprints form well-worn neural pathways that your adult brain is accustomed to. These pathways dictate how we instinctively navigate our behaviors and our emotions. While conventional talk therapies help the adult brain make logical sense of our experiences, it may not be able to actively address issues of pre-verbal trauma and neglect that is embedded well beyond language and thought.
As psychotherapist Stan Tatkin astutely observes in his book, “Wired for Dating”, our ability to love ourselves often originates from experiencing love from our primary caregivers. The care and nurturing we receive from them lay the groundwork for how we learn to care for ourselves and others. During the first two years of life, the brain is developing at a rapid speed. In her book, "Mother Hunger,” Kelly B. Jones sheds light on how maternal nurturance and emotional attunement play pivotal roles in shaping a baby’s sense of self and her relational patterns. Jones discusses how daughters who experience maternal unavailability or emotional neglect may develop what she terms "mother hunger," a longing for the maternal warmth and validation they never received.
These challenges in establishing a deep, connective and attuned presence between a caregiver and a child are not always intentional. Some caregivers are abusive and cruel. Others simply lack the capacity to connect and attune to their child, whether it be due to preoccupation with their own mental health challenges, substance use, or disconnection from the family unit. Many caregivers also carry deep wounds inherited from intergenerational trauma and were never modeled ways to connect and bond with their children, or try to overcompensate for what they did not receive from their own caregivers.
Nithyaa Venkataramani, a therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy specializing in EMDR and DBT therapy, explains that these reflexive responses often become self-reinforcing loops and belief systems that are deeply entrenched. “I often find that positive affirmations are just band-aids for the surface level feelings when we’re tackling undoing a belief about your self-worth. These beliefs often came to be because of an experience with a caregiver who was not capable of emotionally attuning when you were young – and the only choices you had as a little one were to put the blame on yourself or to put the blame on your caregiver. Usually, kids choose to blame themselves. Blaming your parent would mean that your brain has to also accept that your parent is not an all-knowing, compassionate being, which is a scary proposition when you’re dependent on them.”
“The only choices you had as a little one was to put blame on yourself or put the blame on your caregiver. Usually, kids choose to blame themselves.”
The silver lining, however, is that these patterns are not immutable. The brain has innate ways to heal due to neural plasticity, allowing for growth and transformation at any moment in your life. Somatic therapy harnesses this innate capacity for healing by creating space for your body to process these non-verbal memories, explore what a secure attachment feels like in your body sensations, and practice integrating a new set of life narratives.
It can feel scary to tackle these kinds of earlier wounds, especially when life as an adult already feels overwhelming and stressful with day-to-day triggers. It can be even harder when you don’t feel you have access to specific memories of feeling disconnected from your caregivers. “Sometimes, I have clients that ask me if it’s possible to heal from memories you don’t have access to. The truth is, your earlier wounding still shows up in your body today,” says Venkataramani. “It is possible to focus therapy on current body sensations that you experience today that are connected emotionally or unconsciously to earlier experiences. Processing in this way allows for a gentler approach that doesn’t necessitate you remembering or talking much – especially since your brain probably has good reasons to have locked them away in the first place to cope and manage with your day-to-day life.”
At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we practice a variety of somatic modalities that help you notice your feelings in your body. AEDP, EFT, Gestalt and EMDR all take the time to help patients slow down and notice their emotions.
“The truth is, your earlier wounding still shows up in your body today.”
While the journey of asserting one's needs and establishing a new way of viewing yourself may feel daunting, compassionate therapists can provide guidance and support every step of the way. By fostering a deeper understanding of oneself and one's caregivers, you can cultivate a more balanced and nurturing dynamic that honors both their own needs and acceptance of their caregiver’s capabilities. Somatic therapy may be one important step in your healing journey to regaining a sense of movement forward in your life, with a greater sense of ease about your past and hope for your future.