How can couples therapy help with infidelity?
Many couples come to therapy with the weight of an affair hanging between them but with little idea of how talking about what happened might help.
3 min read | Illustration by Allan Matias
It can be difficult to comprehend how talking about an infidelity could bring relief instead of merely more pain. Infidelity that is known about but not discussed, however, can metastasize into seething resentment that can inhibit joy, further erode trust, and cast the future of the relationship into doubt. So, how can couples therapy help with infidelity?
What constitutes infidelity should be defined early on in the therapeutic process. This helps isolate the specific transgression that the word ‘infidelity’ refers to for the couple seeking therapy. Some couples seek therapy because one or both partner slept with someone else, but many couples view infidelity on different terms—an ongoing communication with an ex or a work colleague, a flirty text, or viewing pornography. Other couples in non-monogamous relationships might consider developing an emotional attachment to another person as infidelity. Some people discover in therapy that their personal definition of infidelity differs from their partner’s definition.
Couples tend to have an agreement stipulating the rules regarding how emotional and sexual needs are to be gratified within the relationship. For some couples this agreement is explicit—either a verbal or written contract established at the outset of the relationship—while for others it is implicit, with boundaries that might never have been directly discussed. At the heart of infidelity is that one or both partners sought to gratify their emotional or sexual needs outside of the relationship without the consent of their partner.
“Centering the voice of the person who was hurt is important, as often they have been rendered so peripheral and powerless by the affair that it is critical to indicate to them that their feelings are meaningful.”
Couples therapy can be an effective forum for dealing with a few important components of infidelity. First, it can create a space for the party whose trust was violated to be able to process their feelings and express them in their complexity. It often takes time to work through anger and arrive at hurt and sadness.
Stefan Allen-Hickey, a therapist who works with couples at Downtown Somatic Therapy in lower Manhattan, acknowledges that he approaches couples therapy where an infidelity occurred much differently than if the couple is presenting for therapy for a different issue: “There is less of a need to focus equally on the complaints of both people, at least initially. Centering the voice of the person who was hurt is important, as often they have been rendered so peripheral and powerless by the affair that it is critical to indicate to them that their feelings are meaningful”. Stefan adds that “obviously this approach is only effective if the partner who cheated is regretful of their actions and wishes to mend the damage they caused with their infidelity”.
“Defining the narrative of the affair is a key step in the healing process, as it establishes how the couple got to this point in the first place. You need to discern where the breakdown occurred.”
Second, therapy is a venue where the couple can process why it is that the affair occurred in the first place. In Stefan's view, this is where the therapist’s role is critically important: “An unskilled couples therapist might inadvertently reify the notion that it was somehow the hurt partner’s fault that the affair occurred. If this step is avoided, however, the couple misses out on an opportunity to address the issue driving the affair, in which case, what is really being healed?”
Many therapists avoid having clients talk about details of the affair, out of fear of re-traumatizing the hurt partner. Stefan contends that “defining the narrative of the affair is an important step of the healing process, as it establishes how the couple got to this point in the first place. You need to discern where the breakdown occurred—did it stem from an individual issue (selfishness, sex addiction, etc.) or from a breakdown in communication in the relationship?—before the healing process can begin in earnest”.
Once the narrative of the affair has been established, a sincere apology can occur. If heartfelt, and if accepted by the hurt partner, then the therapy can shift focus toward improving communication, as well as strengthening the facet of the relationship that had broken down.
Given the volcanic emotions that are often involved in infidelity, couples therapy can provide a safe, contained environment to process through these feelings and rediscover the trust and loyalty that bolster gratifying relationships.
If you and your partner are struggling with how to move forward in your relationship after an infidelity has occurred, consider reaching out to one of our qualified couples therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy for a consultation.