How IFS Can Help Couples Struggling With Depression Repair and Reconnect
Internal Family Systems Can Help a Couple Reconnect When Depression Is Weighing Them Down
3 min read
Depression affects every layer of a relationship, from daily routines to the deepest connections. It feels like a third party, intruding on joy and weakening intimacy. Both partners often feel stuck, unsure how to reach each other. Internal Family Systems (IFS) provides a fresh path for couples. It helps them understand how depression impacts each partner's internal world and guides them to reconnect in ways they thought were lost.
Imagine waking up every day next to the person you love, yet feeling an invisible barrier between you—this is the reality for many couples facing depression. When one partner battles depression, the dynamics of the relationship often take a hit. The depressed partner may withdraw, lose interest in connection, or feel too exhausted to engage.
Their partner, in turn, might feel isolated, rejected, or resentful, leading to frustration and misunderstandings. Depression feeds disconnection, but beneath this surface tension lies an inner struggle that both partners are experiencing. Each person develops protective parts to cope with their pain—whether it’s anger, sadness, avoidance, or criticism. These parts step in to manage the chaos but that often serves to push the couple further apart.
In IFS, we look at each person’s inner family of “parts,” which are the different voices and feelings we all carry. Some parts are protectors, stepping in to prevent hurt, while others are exiled parts—buried feelings of pain, shame, or loneliness. When depression enters a relationship, parts sensitive to rejection or fear often get louder.
For example, a partner without depression might have an angry part that feels ignored or hurt. The partner with depression might carry a part that feels ashamed or overwhelmed, making it hard for them to reach out. In IFS, we don’t pathologize these reactions; instead, we see them as valuable messages that have simply been misdirected.
“What if the struggles in your relationship aren’t just misunderstandings, but the deep impact of one partner’s depression?”
What if the struggles in your relationship aren’t just misunderstandings, but the deep impact of one partner’s depression? IFS offers couples a way to explore each other’s parts without judgment, which greatly reduces conflict. This starts with cultivating curiosity, a concept that’s foundational to IFS. Instead of criticizing or defending, partners learn to notice their inner reactions and approach them with gentle curiosity. Imagine a couple having an argument about intimacy.
One partner’s angry part may feel resentful about the other’s depression. In IFS, rather than reacting from this angry part, they’re encouraged to observe it, ask what it needs, and share this with their partner. Instead of saying, “You don’t care about us anymore,” it becomes, “A part of me feels lonely and needs reassurance.”
Likewise, the partner with depression can explore parts of themselves that feel guilt or worthlessness. They might say, “A part of me worries I’m a burden,” which opens the door for their partner to respond with compassion rather than frustration. This approach creates a space where both people feel safe sharing without defensiveness, building bridges back to connection.
When both partners can see each other’s parts, they start to understand each other’s protective reactions instead of personalizing them. They’re no longer trapped in cycles of blame or shutdown. They’re in it together, facing depression as a common challenge instead of as an invisible wall between them.
Working with parts through IFS allows couples to shift from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” It gives partners a way to talk about depression without it feeling like a failing. The partner with depression doesn’t have to feel like the “problem” in the relationship. The partner without depression doesn’t have to carry resentment. Instead, they can see their relationship as a whole made up of many parts, each with valid emotions and needs.
“Working with parts through IFS allows couples to shift from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”
Ultimately, IFS helps couples create a safe, connected relationship where each person’s parts are seen and valued. It takes the experience of depression, which often breeds isolation, and turns it into an opportunity for intimacy. By recognizing and connecting with each other’s parts, partners come to see depression as something they can face together rather than as a wedge driving them apart.
In a partnership, when we learn to embrace our parts and those of our partner, we build resilience and foster a deep, lasting connection. Depression may still be present, but with IFS, couples have a new way forward—one where curiosity, compassion, and partnership guide them back to each other, one step at a time.
If you and your partner are navigating the challenges of depression, consider exploring IFS together to foster deeper understanding and connection—reach out to Downtown Somatic Therapy for support today.