How to Create Healthy Boundaries in Your Romantic Relationship
Approachable steps to identify and voice your needs and desires
5 min read | Illustration by Mayara Lista
Do you communicate your boundaries clearly? Do you feel like your partner understands what you want? All relationships have boundaries. Whether we realize it or not, our actions, words and behaviors implicitly tell people what we do and do not want or will allow. If we’re not clear about our boundaries, we can feel taken advantage of, unappreciated or deeply hurt.
Boundaries represent our needs, values and limits. They tell us where one person ends and another begins. We bring into our relationship what matters to us and what we care about, and we share that with another person.
However, we don’t always pause to reflect on and make explicit our boundaries – both to ourselves and to our partner. At times, we may come to realize that our relationship’s boundaries aren’t working for us.
Why consider boundaries in the first place? Christine Menna, a New York-based therapist, says “Boundaries are important in any relationship, but our romantic partnerships share the most intimate parts of our lives – physically, sexually and emotionally. It’s really important that we feel safe in those relationships and boundaries are how we do that.”
Moreover, not communicating about boundaries often creates conflict and miscommunication. Christine encounters this a lot with young adults who are new to serious romantic relationships. “We can’t expect our partner to read our minds and our needs. If we don’t communicate a boundary but expect it to be understood and respected, we’ll likely get angry or upset.” We also can’t assume that the other person feels the same way as we do (and vice versa).
“All relationships have boundaries. Whether we realize it or not, our actions, words and behaviors implicitly tell people what we do and do not stand for.”
Communicating our needs, on the other hand, creates space for couples to mutually understand and respect their boundaries, goals and expectations. It supports a secure partnership. Both parties can feel heard and respected.
And yet, if boundaries are so great, why is it so hard to create new boundaries or limits in relationships? Asserting your needs and limits can feel uncomfortable. We might not know how to effectively communicate our needs and desires. Moreover, we might feel guilty about having needs in the first place, which makes it harder to ask someone else to respect them too.
“Be sure to make your requests specific and actionable.”
If you’re struggling to create healthy boundaries in your relationship or if you’re interested in making boundaries clearer for you and your partner, consider taking these steps:
Do some self-reflection: According to Tina Tacorian, a therapist who specializes in relationship issues, “It’s important to be clear on what it is you want and need. We have to first understand our own needs and values in order to effectively share them with others.” For example, maybe after a long day of work you’re exhausted. Before engaging in the demands of your home and personal life, you need a few minutes to reset. You value this time to yourself.
Be specific: Be sure to make your request specific and actionable. Use “I” statements (rather than “you” statements). Staying with the above example, “I need 10 minutes to myself after I get home from work.”
Don’t over explain: While you might want to state why a boundary is important to you, there’s no need to defend the fact that you have a need to begin with. That can put your partner on the defensive and create an unnecessary argument. We all have needs and the right to assert them (that includes your partner too).
“Healthy boundaries are about balance and respect. You should be able to communicate your needs without alienating your partner.”
Be respectful: Healthy boundaries don’t alienate or divide. They’re not absolutist. You may consider sharing your love for your partner along with your need, or identifying times when your partner has respected your boundary and how meaningful that was to you. In this example, your dialogue could look like, “I can’t wait to get home to you and the kids every day. I realize that in order to be really present with you in the way that I want to be, I need 10 minutes to myself first.”
Follow through: Consistently follow through on your stated, specific desire. Doing so maintains your boundary. Otherwise, your partner might think it’s okay to overstep your boundary.
Remember, healthy boundaries are about balance and respect. You should be able to communicate your needs without alienating your partner. On the contrary, they can open up a healthy dialogue where each person feels seen, heard and able to voice their unique needs to the other. Upholding these boundaries creates safety, stability and clarity in a relationship.
If you’re interested in exploring boundaries more, if you struggle with your association with boundaries due to unhelpful messages and patterns from the past, or if it is difficult for you to acknowledge your needs, you might consider working with a trusted professional. At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we can help you to create space for processing the past and considering new, healthier ways of being in a relationship.