Are Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles Compatible in Relationships?
Attachment style, a term now ubiquitous not only in mental health circles but in broader popular culture as well, generally refers to how a person learned to contend with anxiety, stress and emotional dysregulation when they were a child.
2 min read
People with so-called “anxious” attachment likely experienced inconsistency in their primary care-taking relationship, learning that sometimes they could rely on their caretaker to tend to their needs, and other times they could not. Their anxiety arose out of this uncertainty; they learned to utilize anxious vigilance to scan for safety or danger, intimacy or indifference/abandonment.
Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, often stems from childhood experiences with caretakers who could reliably not be counted on to provide emotional support when the child was upset; as a result the child learned to take care of themselves.
So—when faced with interpersonal stress, for example, an avoidant person might pull away (to self-regulate) whereas an anxious person might reach out for reassurance.
Are these two attachment styles compatible in relationship?
Generally speaking, “Yes”, says therapist Stefan Allen-Hickey of Downtown Somatic Therapy in New York City: “the success of a relationship with this attachment style configuration relies on the couple coming to understand the emotions that underlie their partner’s response to stress”.
To an anxiously attached person, pulling away could seem confusing and might be interpreted as a cold, indifferent or even hostile act. If the anxiously attached partner learns that the avoidant partner is feeling vulnerable in these moments of retreat, and is pulling away to protect themselves, their view on this behavior can soften. And, if the avoidant partner, who might experience anxious overtures as intrusive, aggressive and/or unnecessary, can see the anxious partner soften, they too can soften into sharing some of their vulnerability.
“The success of a relationship with this attachment style configuration relies on the couple coming to understand the emotions that underlie their partner’s response to stress.”
Stefan, trained in (Emotionally-Focused couples therapy EFT), notes that the success in therapy for couples like this hinges upon the couple coming to be acquainted with their “cycle”, the pattern of miscommunication that escalates tensions and contributes to discord in the relationship. Stefan says “EFT focuses heavily on delineating the couples cycle of interaction—slowing interactions down, so couples can see how they get off course, before illuminating the emotions underlying their respective tendencies to pursue/provoke (anxiety) or pull away/ignore (avoidance)”.
Stefan notes the importance of both of the energies of the avoidant and anxious partners, stating that “anxious and avoidant partners can form incredibly strong bonds if they can learn to correctly interpret each other’s actions”. Often couples with this pursuer/distancer dynamic stand to achieve better outcomes than if, say, both partners are avoidant. Stefan says mutually avoidant couples can present initially as if everything is okay “because neither is motivated to address any problems and tensions build up slowly under the surface to form often powerful resentments”.
“Anxious and avoidant partners can form incredibly strong bonds if they can learn to correctly interpret each other’s actions.”
Anxiously attached partners can be helpful for more avoidant partners because they will address issues as they arise. The key, therapeutically, says Stefan, is to make these inquiries less off-putting to the avoidant partner so that they might risk being more emotionally present/vulnerable, which is often what the anxious partner is craving and what the relationship might have been lacking.
If you are interested in individual or couples therapy to improve your ability to communicate in relationship and better understand your attachment style, please reach out to one of our talented therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy today.